You know, a river of time as a metaphor has only worked for me in Sidhartha.
This poem was dry. I felt nothing. It just listed stuff about "the river of time" which is a clichéd topic as it is.
If you want to write good poetry, write something that speaks to the reader, makes them feel, makes them consider life, or the topic, in a different way. But, you're young, so here are some tips: read poetry. Read a lot of poetry. Read the critiques and learn what makes a good poem, and what doesn't. Practice a lot, and for the love of everyone holy, don't just quit. If you really like writing, you'll keep going. Read articles on poetry, those are very nice.
Read something by Fand, Incandescence, or Caligulas_launderette, all very good poets on this site.
Best of luck.
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